confusedwoman

It is almost 2 in the morning and I can’t sleep. Mainly because my bed was stolen by two little munchkins. I understand Michials girlfriend’s kids need a place to sleep, but if there is not even enough room in the house for the people living there, why would you invite more people. I don’t get that. Doesn’t make sense to me. Then again, now days, a lot of things don’t make sense to me.

Speaking to my family today how realized just how low their opinion of me was. They have absolutely no faith in me. They are waiting for me to fall on my face and can’t wait to say how they were right all along. I am not giving them that chance. I hate that no one has faith in me. I know life is hard, but it seems so much harder when no one believes in you. Makes you just want to stop and say forget it. What’s the point? No matter what I do to better myself, they look down on me. I graduated high school, am in college, have attained a residence of my own, and took care of them for so long and they still insist on telling me that I am not capable of doing anything. I am honestly too tired to deal with them anymore. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted with them. I can’t even remember how I used to deal with it.

On to other things. I keep thinking about the past. I don’t like to live in the past. I don’t have a very happy one.  Some people think back and they have all these great memories to make them smile and laugh even in the toughest of times. Where are my good memories? I guess all the fairy tales are lies. There is no such thing as happily ever after. I should have known it all along. I usually have a good view on life and the people around but these days, everyone seems to be getting to me. I have dealt with depression before. I was on medication for years. I hated it and when I thought I could get away with it, I stopped taking it. I think people should deal with their own emotions. Not to say I don’t support therapy and the use of medication to improve the quality of someone’s life. I do. I just think that there are way too many people on them. Not all people who are a little sad need 100 mg of Paxil. They just don’t. Give them some time and they will be just fine. I was on so many meds that I could hardly remember who I was. I was more miserable taking it than before. My whole problem was that I was sad, then I was diagnosed with like 7 different mental sicknesses. I was angry at that. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with being sad every now and then. Then they shoved pills down my throat and said that I was all better when I was officially zombified. I wasn’t feeling sad anymore…. I wasn’t feeling anything. Who would want to live like that?

Heather and I started to move our things into our duplex today. We are so excited. There isn’t any power yet so we had to take flashlights and ended up using them to light up the disco ball and amuse ourselves for about an hour. We are easily amused. I have decided that once a month Heather and I should treat ourselves, financials permitting, of course. I want to treat myself with a new CD every month. I believe I am going to start by collecting all CDs by Poison. I love music. Especially old Rock N’ Roll. Poison, Guns N’ Roses, Steve Miller Band, I love them all. Bob Seger is another favorite.

I want to have a giant music collection. I never need a T.V. if I have a radio. I also love to read. All kinds of books. Unfortunately, when I moved out of my mom’s house I had to store a lot of my stuff at my friend’s grandparents house. I had my book collection, my tapes, my jewelry my grandmother gave me, and several other things over there, then their house burned down. Now, I am not selfish enough to complain about losing material things when my friend’s grandparents could have been seriously hurt. Thankfully they were not. But I do miss my things. Mostly my pictures. I had my photo albums there. I can live without them. I just didn’t want to have to.

Heather and I signed the lease for our duplex today. I am so excited to get out of here. I am not really a people person and there are way too many people here. The people that live here and Michial’s girlfriend and her two kids. I am even getting kicked out of my bed tonight because the kids need a place to sleep. I got woken up this morning at 2:30 because that is when Michial and the girl came in. I am so tired. I am tired of being woken up and pushed out of the way. I can’t wait to have a place of my own. Somewhere I can call home and just relax when I need to.

But for right now I am going to put my discomfort aside. Heather and I were talking yesterday about death and the afterlife. She said that she is afraid to die because she fears there is no afterlife and she will just cease to exist. I believe something different. A few years ago there was a group of doctors, I forget exactly what they were trying to do, but they were weighing people before and after they passed. In there measurements they took into account all the fluids that leave the body upon death as well as all the gases. Still they discovered there was 3-5 lbs. unaccounted for. Some people, like me, take that to mean there is a soul. And as we all know by the law of conservation of matter, matter can neither be created nor destroyed. So, where does the unaccounted weight go? I am not saying this proves Heaven or Hell, but to me it does prove an afterlife.

I am a 20 year old college student with no idea. I know most people would say that all 20 year olds have no idea, but that is not the case with me. All my life I have known exactly what I was going to do. I have always had a plan. And now, I am completely lost.

Sometime in 2007, my brother left. It was my mother Charlotte, my nephew Brody, and I living in a house in a very small town in northern Ga. My mother did not have a job and I had to be the savior. July 7, 2006 I had gotten a job at an office supply store. That was our only income. I worked hard. I was good at my job, but I was extremely unhappy. I kept that job until Sept. 6, 2008 when I finally had enough. I quit, left my home, moved in with friends, and started going to school again. Before I had attended a four-year university, now I am at a small community college.

In July of 2008 my mother was hospitalized.  After she came home she quit smoking, but still did not have a job and no income of her own. She and I were fighting a lot. All the time she was telling me that I wasn’t good for anything and to get out of her house. So I did. I am now living with one of my best friends and her family. Sounds great in theory.

Ever since I moved in I have felt like a guest. Like I don’t really belong here. Not that I know where I belong. We live in a small 2 bedroom trailer. And there are 5 people. Me, my 21 year old friend Heather, her 24 year old brother Michial, her 7 year old sister Willow, and their mother Cindy. Living arrangements alone are a problem. Cindy and Willow share a room, Michial and I share a room, and Heather sleeps on a daybed in the living room. No one has any real privacy, which is an issue for me because I am a very private person.

Before moving in Michial and I had a sexual relationship in the making. I say sexual because to him at least, that is all that it was. Our first night together he told me that I was only there for his amusement. I accepted that. I know that I am not a ‘catch’. I am overwieght, I am not pretty, and I worry all the time about everything. I tend to be over protective of some thing. My secrets and my friends and family at the fore front of those things. I am typically not a funny person, but I do have my moments. I have strong opinions and I don’t mind sharing them. I have a hard time connecting with people. Maybe I am too cautious. I don’t really know what it is that keeps from the people around, I just know that that barrier exist. And I do not yet have the strength to tear it down.

The relationship between Michial and I has ended now. He attained a girlfriend. I met her a few days ago. I am not fond of her. And before the thought pops into your head. It is not jealousy. I am not usually a jealous person. I think it is mostly a personality clash. I don’t understand the girl and I don’t really have the desire to understand her.

Heather and I have finally got the money to rent a 2 bedroom duplex. Just us. We will have our own bedrooms and freedom to run a house the way we see fit. Most people would think my God, 2 little girls in their early 20’s and no supervision. I assure you that you do not need to worry about the way we run a house. Heather and I are both very clean people. We wish to have respect so we show respect to other people. Our souls are much older than our bodies. My only concern is money. Oh how I hate worrying about money. I have had to do it all my life. I come from a low income family. We never really had anything. Heather is not as bad off but has an idea of my predicament.

Neither Heather nor I have jobs at the moment. The only reason I have money is because I get an educational supplimental check from Veterans Affairs because my father, may he have peace, was a U.S. Marine. I hold Marines in very high regard. I heard the things my dad went through. Unless you have been there or seen the effects of it, you cannot imagine what these men and women have seen and done. Back to the money, I am not sure it will be enough. I hope it will. I also hope I can find a job. I miss doing something constructive.

Not that I am not constructive. I am a student. I am studying Criminal Justice. Something I have always been interested in. I believe in most of our laws, but more importantly I beleive in my country. I am a die hard patriot. I love the United States of America. I have always been that way. I have pride for who I am and the country I live in.

I feel I need to end this entry now. And I would like to leave you with a quote by Earl Nightingale to ponder over. He said this: “Our attitude towards life determines life’s attitude towards us.”